Game-Day Guac

If you go to the store and buy pre-made guacamole, shame on you.

It’s forgivable if you’re in a rush (I guess) or you somehow don’t own spoons and bowls, but otherwise, you’re settling. Homemade Guac is remarkably easy and remarkably quick; give it 10 minutes and you’ll have something far tastier than what you’ll find in the supermarket aisle.

Homemade guac is also a perfect dish to bring to a party; people go nuts for guacamole, it’s nearly impossible to screw up, and you look exotic and bold as hell. Despite being very very simple, avocados have a mystique to them that intimidates a lot of people.

In honor of the super bowl (go Pats), I thought I’d share this quick, 10 minute recipe. Spend a little more time with it if you like, and have some friends taste test along the way, and boom, you’re eating in style and looking like a football foodie superstar. Rob Guac-Kowski.


Sam’s Special Guac (serve with chips, obviously): 


2 large avocados or 3 small ones

1.25 teaspoons of chopped garlic

1 small onion, or half of a big one

1 small bell peppers – red is the most visually appealing, but any color works


1 teaspoon – lime juice

salt to taste

pepper to taste

a dash of cumin


1: Buy the avocados

This is really the only place you could screw up. Fortunately, it’s easy, even if it’s pretty unlikely you’ll find a perfectly ripe avocado in the store.

How do you know if an avocado is ripe? Obviously, you’re looking for avocados that are brown on the outside, not green ones. Pick one up and give it a gentle squeeze with your thumb. If it isn’t soft, it isn’t ripe. If the avocado is too soft, and the skin doesn’t snap back into place, its probably overripe, and you gotta eat that shit asap, if at all.

Pro tip: pick off the removable stems at the end of the avocado – if you see a nice green color, the type you’d like to eat, you’re good to go. If it’s yellow inside, it ain’t ripe. If it’s brown, give that puppy some space – it’s seen better days.

For making Guac, buy young avocados of similar ripeness, and let them grow up together. Assume a perfectly hard, green avocado will take 5-6 days to ripen. Use your judgment for how long to wait with partially ripe avos, but know that since you’re mashing them up anyways, they don’t need to be perfect.

2: Cut the avocados in half, and pull them apart

It’s impossible to cut through the pit, unless you’re the hulk or something, so when you hit something hard, rotate the avocado until you’ve halved it. Easy money.

3: Use a spoon to remove the pit.

4: Use the knife to draw tic-tac toe lines in the flesh of the avocado; this breaks it into nice chunks

5: Use a spoon to scoop out the avocado flesh into a big bowl. Don’t be alarmed if some of the fruit is brown – avocados brown really quickly when they hit the air, but they’re still perfectly safe to eat and super tasty.

6: Chop the onion and peppers finely, but keep the pepper visible. Add to the bowl.

7: Add the garlic and spices.

8: Add the lime juice. Using a real lime will obviously taste better, if you have one on hand, but no big deal if not. Cut off about a quarter of the lime and squeeze it over the bowl. You can always add more later, if needed.

9: Using a big spoon, stir repeatedly, mixing everything as thoroughly as possible. If there are any sizable chunks of avocado remaining, smush them with the backside of the spoon. You don’t want to over-mash, though – a little chunkiness adds a lot of character.

10: Invite some friends to taste test – they’ll love it. Add more salt, pepper, onion, garlic, lime juice as needed.

11: Garnish with cilantro. Play around with the chip display too. Make that shit look pretty.

12: The most important part: serve it as fresh as you possibly can. Again, your guac will begin to brown within a few hours of hitting the fresh air – this doesn’t mean it’s gone bad, but some wimps out there might get scared and shy away from your tasty creation. Their loss.


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